Overworked

This last semester was crazy! I handed in my last assignment under a deadline extension and still late yesterday.

When the semester started I tried to figure out if my workload was similar to or higher than my past semester and at first it seemed to be par, however, that quickly changed. For one of my classes, Form Language, each week I was asked to make a sculpture of sorts. Bending strips of paper, bending wire, cutting foam, using clay, etc. These projects required me to go to school when I didn't even have class—one such sculpture took eight hours to finish, although it was the simplest one, I'll get to that. For that same class, after the sculptures, we began designing our own lounge chair. In the ideation process, we had to draw 100 sketches—I believe I mentioned that in a previous post and that combined with assignments for other classes.

I went from being able to observe Shabbat to needing to use that time to work on homework, it feels terrible. I began staying up all night, sometimes forgetting to eat and having to leave in the morning back to school. I drove so many times without proper sleep—Baruch Hashem I am fine.

I was trying my hardest, but I began failing to deliver things on time, however, I am proud that the quality of my work did not suffer, my health did tho. My final projects included designing a chanukiah, designing a chair, and breaking down the manufacturing processes of a vacuum cleaner, all of which turned out beautiful.

The goal for my chanukiah was to make it modern but still fit for fulfilling the mitzvah. It is made of Jerusalem stone: dolomite and limestone, and has a suspended silver Magen David filled with Eilat stone. I had to present my design and process to the whole class and everyone liked it, and thankfully no one protested; I think the only anti-zionist in the program left the classroom before my presentation.

My chair came together beautifully! Iteration after iteration, I arrived at a design that represented three words that served as my design goals. Me being me, failing to see that I could barely keep alive, I decided to give myself a challenge. Along with my chair design, I also had to make a 1:3 model of it. Teacher wanted them to be all-white, so foam was probably the choice material. I immediately knew that if I were to use just foam I would need to do a lot of sanding. Someone asked teacher if we could use wood and she said that if we were to use wood, we would have to go all the way, using real fabric to upholster the chair. Everyone decided to go with foam, but I decided to upholster my chair. It was easy, I know how to sow; and during the process I learned how to stain wood, using pre-stain, and finishing it with polyurethane. However, after having an all-nighter finishing my model I failed to make my presentation, so I went to class Monday morning with just my model. Teacher seemed to like my model, and she just requested I finish my presentation before midnight.

Having finished my chair presentation at midnight, I immediately needed to work on the manufacturing breakdown project due Tuesday at 2 pm. I only managed to sketch and render a hero view, and a sketch showing the pivoting motion of the vacuum cleaner. In class, teacher asked nonchalantly "Who's dropping out? I know you are all tired." I've heard him say in the past that people have left the program not because they don't have the skills, but because they can't keep up, and others because they don't have the passion. Now, I certainly have the skills and passion, and I worked my hardest, and yet, I was failing to deliver. About to start crying, I asked my teacher for an extension, which he agreed to. I told him I would probably be done in two days—I was so, so wrong. Failing to determine how long something will take me was a frequent challenge.

After talking with him I went for a walk, I entered the staircase and went halfway upstairs where I knew no one would see me, sat down, and broke down in tears. How was I the only one who struggled so much with meeting deadlines; I worked day and night and still I couldn't finish. I remember spending hours, hours on a single sketch; up to a point is normal, but it's just too much. One of my sculptures for Form Language consisted of three rectilinear shapes, aka, just three rectangles put together. It really shouldn't have taken me more than one hour, it took me eight, I went home 9 pm. Being autistic I pay extreme attention to detail, something very useful in this field and frequently recognized. However, it's too much it has become a hindrance. I sat sobbing on that thought for a few minutes before going back to the classroom.

To meet my planned new deadline in two days, I probably should have left right away and keep working. However, I decided to stay and asked my friend Liz if she wanted to play Among Us which we were unable to play last week. We were just two people and Among Us online with strangers sucks, so she introduced me to Brawl Stars. We played until 6 pm and during that time we bonded further. She then walked me to the bus station and said goodbye for now. It was so nice to just relax and play with a friend which I hadn't in years.

I finished the vacuum project Sunday midnight, I decided to keep Shabbat and not sketch. And even though I didn't finish in the two days I had planned, my project turned out beautiful. It was one of my first attempts at rendering with color pencil yet it looked awesome. And my teacher gave me a very good grade.

I put myself through a lot, I could have just waived a white flag, accepting there was too much on me, and prioritized my health instead. I didn't do that and instead ended up with As. I have conflicting opinions about that; on one hand, I am closer to success, and with those grades, I finally made the honor roll—I was 0.005 GPA points short last semester,— but on the other hand you have my mom's opinion, what's the point of getting straight As if at the end I'm gonna be dead. 

So now I can finally rest and get ready for next semester. So many things have happened with my Judaism, and I can't wait to get that stuff written down.