Weird

  I feel weird, I wouldn’t know how to describe it, I just feel almost emotionless, sad, and discouraged. I have slowly been catching up with assignments, that is my main stressor, but there is still a lot I have to get done, and there are about three weeks left before winter break. Sketching and ideating have been hard, like I felt before the hospital, I feel my creativity is just gone, and I hate it. You can really see it in my last post, it is very fragmented and it doesn’t resemble my writing style at all, it is also really short.

I have moments when I feel great, I would even say happy, optimistic, and that usually lasts a couple of days. There’s also days that I feel totally discouraged, I cry, and feel very sad. What’s in between is just nothing, emotionless, I guess.

This last weekend I heard the voice for the first time after being in the hospital. I was in the kitchen, cooking, and the voice began narrating every single action I did. It went something like this: “She is organizing the dishes in the sink,” “She is scrubbing the plate,” “She is organizing the dried dishes on the counter, so weird,” “Now she is cutting the tomato.” I started noticing that gradually, in the end, I began imagining I was being studied in a lecture hall. I’m glad it didn’t tell me to stab myself while cutting that tomato, but it was a very weird experience. I don’t know what is going on since I am on an antipsychotic, I was talking to mom about the medicine, I feel sleepy all the time, and it is not really helping me, so I told her I would discuss with my doctor either changing it or stopping it. She said I shouldn’t, especially because I’ve been hearing those voices since at least my autism diagnosis and the antipsychotic should prevent that. Now I’m thinking I shouldn’t go off of it since I’ve just heard the voice again. Perhaps it is schizophrenia what I experience, it still makes so much sense to me, it explains the anhedonia, the cognitive decline, and I’ve had auditory hallucinations for at least a year. My current MDD diagnosis also makes sense, but the voices, it just doesn’t add up to me, especially like in this recent episode where it was just narrating my actions.

[Update Thursday 11/28]

I’ve been feeling terrible today, I have cried a lot, it was worse just a couple minutes ago. I was trying to do my homework but I just can’t, there is no motivation or creativity. I decided to play on the Xbox; I’ve never been that much of a gamer, and I really don’t have any games so I gave up on that too. Then I realized how I don’t really do much else, all I do is schoolwork, though now I can’t even do that. I began crying very hard. A combination of very strong thoughts and voices convinced me that there is no point in being here. I don’t know what else to say, I feel really bad. I don’t want to be in the hospital again, I have an appointment coming up for medication management, I don’t think he’s a psychiatrist but I’ll tell him I keep hearing voices. I just don’t understand why I’m good at times, and then this.

I can’t finish my homework, that is making me very anxious. My mom told me if I was planning to register for next semester, I’ve already done it, I can still cancel that, but I also don’t want to. I don’t know what to do.

[Update Sunday 12/1]

Last Friday I heard the voice yet again, this time it lasted for most of the day. A high-pitched voice was telling me over and over “You’re schizophrenic, you’re schizophrenic!” I was so fed up with it, it got to the point where I looked to my side and shouted “I know! Shut up!”

I don’t know if it might actually be schizophrenia, it seems very likely. I just want to feel better and want the voices to stop.

[Update Friday 12/6]

I saw my new psychiatrist last Tuesday, after explaining to him all of my symptoms he said that it would likely be major depression with psychotic features, but that he needed to see me again. The times I have experienced psychosis have been when I feel down, with a few when I feel fine, so we'll see what happens. He gave me a new medicine for depression.

There are two weeks left in the semester and I still have so much to do. I just don't have the motivation, though slowly I've been getting things done, however, I need to hurry much more. I feel very sad, and I cry very frequently, almost just now in class. I've even lost motivation to learn Solidworks, which is all I could do before.

I feel hopeless about the future, I don't know if I will be able to feel better next semester. I understand that schizophrenia is a lifelong condition, though some people will recover after an episode until the next. I know that it might not be schizophrenia, but it feels like it is, so I hope I will be able to get back to my life. I don't want to feel sad, I don't want to hear voices, I don't want to be scared of being outside, I want to be creative, cheerful, bright. I wish I could be that person again.

[Update Thursday 12/19]

I keep hearing voices, last week they were narrating my actions and mocking me among themselves. It’s finals week, so I guess stress plays into it too. And I keep getting into those weird moments of trance, I stare into the distance and lay in weird positions, wasting a lot of time. Also, earlier this month the voices convinced me that one of my second-hand books had a curse which is causing me to have these symptoms, I sprung up from the bed, gathered every single book, and looked at each page looking for something demonic. I couldn’t find anything. I also did something very reckless, I don’t even want to write about it, but I promised never to do it again. I’m sick of the voices.