Yeah, I feel weird, religiously; I decided to put on hold my conversion to Judaism since my mental health began declining, I stopped going to temple, visiting my Rabbi, reciting Shema, and lighting Shabbat candles. As a Ger, someone who is currently converting, I felt comfortable wearing my Magen David and reciting blessings, but now, I don’t feel it’s correct for me to wear my necklace, so I haven’t.
I’m in Mexico right now, I can’t believe it’s been a year since I was first feeling depressed but found hope in Judaism. I’m sitting right here where I felt that massive push out of nowhere to learn about Judaism, and since then I have done so many things that were unthinkable to me before. One thing I never stopped doing was attending Hillel events. Joining Hillel and attending all the events were some of the bravest things I’ve ever done, being terrified by paranoia outdoors, it took me a while to go and explore what I could do at school. I have met great people at Hillel, like my friend, who always gets excited when he sees me. I love attending those events, recently, we had a silent disco, I helped set up and stayed to dance, simply unthinkable for me before.
Here with family, we are going to celebrate Christmas and go to gatherings, and there’s also something on January 6th about the Three Wise Men. I’m at a crossroads and honestly, I don’t know how to feel, I guess smile and enjoy being with family, but at the same time I don’t want to do it, Christmas is not a holiday I want to celebrate anymore, despite it never being religiously associated in my upbringing. Or maybe yeah, let’s celebrate Christmas, but then let’s also celebrate Hanukkah, which happens to start on the night of the 25th this year. We are an interfaith family now, I guess, but I’m still being ‘forced’ to observe the Christian traditions with no regard to my Jewish celebrations. It just feels weird.
But like I said, Christmas isn’t overwhelmingly religious in my family, so I guess that as a family tradition, it’s okay to observe. My aunt does occasionally go around with a porcelain baby Jesus offering everyone to kiss his head; yeah, that’s an absolute no for me.
I would love for my family to accompany me in lighting the menorah, perhaps ask what it means, and just enjoy the moment together.
As I am preparing to go to sleep, my aunt comes into the room and gives me a blessing while doing a cross on me. I know she means well but, it feels weird. I’m thinking of reciting Shema for the next few days as a way to ascertain my faith despite partaking in Christian things without wanting to.
[Update Wednesday 12/25]
I’m writing about it to calm down. So yesterday, after going to one of our appointments for the renovation of our visa, my mom decided to go to the church, it’s like the biggest here in Mexico City. We took a taxi there and my mom spent the time looking at the Virgin Mary. I was standing awkwardly to her side, following her around. I was surprised by the amount of idols all over the place; the whole trip made me sure that Christianity is not for me, and that I find myself at home in Judaism.
At night we had a Christmas dinner, I managed to step outside while my aunt carried around the baby Jesus doll. I decided to come back to my room afterward to recite Shema. I was almost done with the last verses, I was so focused on my trope, really feeling it; but then my mom bursts into the room and interrupts me. This has happened many times, and it always makes me cry. I whisper the lines I had left after she left, crying. I lay in bed and begin to cry harder, my pillow was soaked. After a while I stood up to clean myself and go downstairs because I forgot my phone and a stim toy my mom gifted me that morning. My grandma immediately notices I was crying and begins to cry, assuming that my mom shouted at me. I leave telling her it’s nothing, but nothing else. Seeing her cry makes me cry even harder than before, I lay back down with my hair covering my face. Then my mom comes in, irritated because I have not brushed by teeth, she doesn’t notice I’m crying, I say nothing. After she left, more crying. I begin to hit myself on the head with the stim toy, first slowly and then rapidly before throwing it. Thoughts of wanting to die rush through my mind, and at this point, I’m saying out loud “kill me.” My mom comes in again saying “what’s wrong,” she tries to move my hair and sees me crying. With an irritated tone she asked me to move, I refuse. I begin telling her to please leave me alone, once more. She leaves mad screaming at me that I am blaming her for this, for some reason. I keep crying while any will to live within me is gone, I’m afraid that has not changed since. After a while, I stand up and realize the stim toy broke a glass I had on the nightstand. I go to the mirror to clean myself again, I ended up grabbing my hairbrush and slamming it against my head very hard. And now I’m writing this post.
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