Voices

This is my first post published directly to my public blog, thanks to everyone that has visited. So far I have published posts that I wrote over the last two years, though I still need to publish some more, but I hope the writing style is enjoyable!

So, I don’t know what to do, I still hear the voices narrating my actions, I keep getting into those dissociative moments where I lay down in weird positions, and during our trip to Mexico, my aunt told me she heard me talking to someone when there was no one there. I have my next appointment with the psychiatrist soon so I’m writing this to remember my symptoms because my mind tends to go blank when he’s asking me things. I don’t really have much to say for this post, maybe I’ll publish an update later.

[Update Wednesday 15th]

I thought I should comment on those dissociative episodes I have. Just now I felt one coming, I began feeling numb, tired out of nowhere, I began to move my head around pointlessly, however, this time I decided to play some music loudly, and it seems that prevented it.

So, these episodes happen at least twice a week, like I said, I begin feeling numb and tired, so I lay down. My head and arms begin to drift and move pointlessly around, I move my head side to side, I hold my arms up in the air, roll around in bed, and at this point I feel completely out of it, without being able to snap out of it. I feel like I’m not myself, but I seem to be able to remember the event. Minutes go by until I begin to feel really tired from all of the moving and gradually stop.

During these episodes I have also punched my pillow—quite aggressively—before throwing it across the room. And I have also hit myself like that time with the stim toy. Before the antipsychotic, it was during these episodes that I heard voices the most, I would have full blown conversations with people who weren’t there, but now I don’t hear any voices during an episode.

After it all stops and I realize I’ve just been through one of these again, I begin to cry and feel very sad. I miss not having all these symptoms, I just want my life to be normal again.

I should also mention to the doctor the camera hallucination, even though it has stopped, and those countless times I talked to people who were not really there. And also that every time I hear a voice, I always think it’s a real person talking, but my mom tells me that it’s all in my head.

[Update Saturday 18th]

Today’s morning was terrible. The voice began telling me how everyone was plotting to kill me, that’s why everyone stares at me; I began covering my ears while recoiling on the floor but it wouldn’t go away. I have felt really paranoid for the rest of the day along with having some fleeting suicidal thoughts.

[Update Sunday 26th]

I told my psychiatrist about the recurring voices, he didn’t say much, he increased my Risperidone dose to 2 mg and recommended to go to the hospital if symptoms keep getting worse to get reevaluated. I thought he would be able to tell me what is happening to me, but apparently not. The increased dose has been making me very sleepy in the mornings, but overall feel calmer and hear less voices.