Calm?

It's been two weeks since my antipsychotic dose was increased, and, I feel good. Everything is quieter, the voices have disappeared, it is so relieving. My mood has stabilized, and I feel happy most of the time, though I still have ups and downs.

School started again, it’s looking exciting but it will be a lot of work. I’m doing good so far, I’m going to design an assistive keyboard for autism for one class—I have so many ideas.

I’m calm and happy most of the time, however, there are times when I feel terribly sad. It mostly comes out of nowhere, or actually, I have noticed it happens after some kind of inconvenience such as getting stuck doing schoolwork or cracking my screen protector. Suddenly, I begin feeling sad to the point of crying for no reason. Intrusive thoughts flood my mind, they are about my future or past actions. Then, after more crying, suicidal thoughts begin. I have noticed that my suicidal thoughts are becoming stronger, I mean, it’s getting harder to resist them. I have asked to die, I have held a knife up to my neck; but something still prevents me from doing it. I really don’t want to die; on good days when I feel happy, I feel so grateful I didn’t give in and didn’t die.

Something dumb happened to me at school. I arrived at the parking lot just as the bus was leaving. I was late so I decided to run to the next stop to catch it. I began running uphill and when I was crossing the street, still running, I suddenly fainted. It felt like my usual fainting after standing, but this time I was in motion, and I couldn’t feel it coming, otherwise I would have stopped running. I face-planted on the pavement and scraped my hands and chin. I did catch the bus tho. I arrived late to class and after a while, I decided to check my laptop; its corner broke. I know I cannot run uphill because of my fainting, which might be POTS, but I couldn’t feel any signs I was about to faint, it was only when I was already falling that my vision blacked out.

I’ve been feeling extremely tired during the day because of my new dose. It’s impossible to wake up, I end up doing it three hours after my alarm goes off. One day I arrived home past my meds time and I had a thought, I wouldn’t take my meds to see if I would have more energy the next day. And I did, I woke up at 7 and was very productive for the day which in turn made me happy.

Around my second week, I received an email saying that TEDx is coming to my school. Doing a TED talk has been a lifelong dream of mine so I began thinking about applying. I hesitated for a week, but finally, I decided what I was going to talk about, my mental health journey. I want to tell people that they shouldn’t sacrifice their wellbeing for schoolwork.

Lastly, I’ve started an OnlyFans! I had been considering doing it for a while and I finally decided to go for it. I think I’m a pretty cute and wild trans girl, and like taking photos of myself, so… I think it’s going to be fun! So if you want to see my naughty side, you can head over there and let me entertain you :3 I think its going to be a good experience; being depressed, I don’t put much effort into my appearance so now that it will be my ‘job’ to be a cute girl on the internet, I will! I’ve started doing exercise, I want to start putting on makeup just to feel pretty and perhaps snap pics at any time. And I will try to not miss any HRT doses so I can continue girling up, lol. Last night I began feeling randomly sad after a couple of good days, I was lying on the floor crying. After a while, I decided to take off my clothes and get horny; that pretty much took the sadness away and I got some hot pics as well!

Update Mar 11

It had been two perfect, happy weeks. I dreaded the moment I would feel sad again; it happened. As usual, suicidal thoughts are stronger than before, I would even say stronger than before the hospital; but those weren’t suicidal thoughts, it was the voices telling me to hurt myself. I do not see the point in life, I do not know why I would want to drag on the pain. I know I should ignore these thoughts and wait until it all passes. I try to remember when I’m happy, how thankful I feel I didn’t give in to those thoughts. Yet, during these moments the only way out I see is death.

Update Mar 12

Sigh… That was one of the worst episodes yet. I feel better today, I woke up at 12 and went to the store, and later went for a 10 kilometer walk, yeah, I had a lot of energy. I still don’t know what the point of life is, but I know that if I keep doing nothing other than crying all day, discovering my purpose is only going to be harder.

Update Mar 17

So, once again my hope is gone. I was planning to work very hard today, I have to present five concepts tomorrow of my keyboard, I have nothing. During the first phase of our project I was feeling terrible, so I didn’t sketch much and thus, I don’t have anything to work with for the second phase. I also wasted last week because of feeling depressed. Well, I couldn’t do anything today. I began feeling suicidal and very fatigued so I went to lie down. The whole morning went by. I went to the kitchen and grabbed the hot sauce, I poured it on my hand and licked it. I kept doing it until my mouth went numb and I felt very dizzy. I did it again at night. I’ve been toying with my knife on my skin. I don’t want to go to the hospital again, the suicide hotline is crap, my mom is mad at me because I didn’t go to the supermarket this morning and won’t talk to me. I feel lonely, tomorrow is going to be terrible. I want to die.

I don’t want to. I just want this to stop, I don’t want to be depressed, I want my life and motivation back. Not just in little glimpses, fully back. I want to do things, Hashem has a plan for me or I wouldn’t have woken up today, I want to find out what that plan is. How can I do this by myself?

Mar 18

I decided to still attend class, everyone’s projects are amazing, I think they all met during the weekend while I knew nothing. .I didn’t eat this morning and I feel terrible. Someone left a box of thumbtacks where I sit and I cannot avoid pricking my fingers with them. The thought that I don’t belong here keeps getting stronger, no matter how good I am at many of the things we do. If not product design, what else am I good for? I don’t know what will happen if I go talk to a counselor here at school. I think I’m gonna leave and go eat something. I’ll return for my second class today. I don’t even know where to go without feeling paranoid. Maybe go read Torah in the library, hopefully that will make me feel better. I don’t want to die but these thoughts are so strong.

There was a fire alarm the moment I arrived at the library. As I go down the stairs I think I should just stay.

I feel lonely, I cannot see a way forward, I cannot see my life ever improving; this is not me, I’m usually very optimistic. I want the pain to end.