#02 - Coming Out

On February 25th, 2021 I turned 16. And it was around this time that I started feeling very uncomfortable about being a girl trying to act like a boy. My family frequently complimented me about my deep voice, my broadening shoulders, and my facial hair starting to appear. I felt terrible and decided I needed to say something; I set myself the goal of coming out to my mother by the end of March, the trans day of visibility. Unfortunately, I was so afraid of what my mom would say that I decided not to tell her in person, I would tell her in a letter instead. The month went by and I simply couldn’t do it, I didn’t have the courage and was too scared. I had no idea what was her opinion of LGBT people, so I didn’t know what to expect.

Months later on September 1st, 2021, I decided what I wanted my name to be, Naoko, a Japanese name that means “well-behaved, straight.” At this point I had kept the letter in my room without being able to hand it to my mom until finally, on September 12th I left it next to my mother’s desk. It took her three days to discover the letter and read it during which, I couldn't handle the anxiety. On the 15th, I peered at her desk to see that the letter had disappeared, and then it dawned on me, this is it, it's happening. I walked into the kitchen, terrified, my mom turned around and told me that my letter was very special, we hugged while my mom told me she loved me and would always support me. I began crying out of joy and couldn't stop smiling!

We had lunch before going to my mom's room to talk some more. She asked me if I've felt I should be a girl for a long time, the conversation felt a little uncomfortable specially when my mom started talking AIDS. The next day she seemed mad at me, or at least that’s how I perceived it; I felt terrified she wasn’t taking this good. Days later she told me that the most difficult part for her was to stop seeing the boy she’s seen grow and suddenly having to see a girl she has to call daughter. This made me understand what she’s going through, I know it’s difficult.

When my mom was finally feeling better about this change she helped me come out to the rest of my family, without me to shield me from a negative reaction. She left for my godparents’ house, I was very nervous. Two hours later she messaged me to go downstairs as we would all go eat somewhere. Quietly. I got in the car with everyone and after a while my godmother asked me why I was so quiet in the Spanish feminine way. I looked up amazed and happy that everything had gone well.

Telling my grandma, uncles and cousins came later, this time I was there. Thankfully, everyone had a positive reaction, even those who I feared would not accept me. But it would take time for them to get accustomed to using the right pronouns, including my mom who wouldn’t put that much of an effort and frequently referred to me as he.