Naoko’s Trans Log

  I loved this Shabbat Shirah! I attended the online service of a reform temple nearby. I really wanted to attend in person, but I wouldn’t know what to do; one day I’ll do though.  Women from the congregation sang so beautifully in Hebrew, recalling the initiative of Miriam the prophetess. Then came candle lighting. I do not have candlesticks yet, so seeing the tall candlesticks being lit at the temple felt very nice. But the singing though, it was outstanding. There was so much passion, and dedication to their performance—like a concert, or like an opera really. I could loosely understand some words in Hebrew, but it was enough to understand what was being sung. What I loved the most was the melodies. That is something I still don’t know much yet. I just know that Hebrew cantillation helps in reciting from the Torah using a melody. I felt the warmth of the community, and even though I was just on a Zoom call, I felt connected. And then came reciting from the Torah. When the ...

I have learned so many things!! I’m very surprised by how much dedication I put into this, I just love it! I’m writing this post on Shevat 14th, tomorrow is Tu B’Shevat—my first Jewish holiday! I made a donation to have some trees planted, as is customary for this holiday. Those trees will turn two years old tomorrow as Tu B’Shevat marks the New Year for Trees! Also, the upcoming Shabbat is a special one, it is called Shabbat Shirah, which aligns with the weekly Parasha: Beschalach. This portion contains the parting of the Red Sea, where the Israelites passed through. Shabbat services are accompanied by the singing of the Song of the Sea to express gratitude. I have not been able to attend a Shabbat service yet, however, this week I have decided to attend online, although I would love to attend in-person. I’m very excited about it, I think it will be a very nice experience, which will actually be my first Shabbat service! In my personal Torah study, I’ve actually caught up to this week...

I’ve missed writing so many things, I didn’t feel like writing over the semester. So, over at college, there is a discussion group every Thursday for trans students! I’ve been wanting to meet other trans people ever since I came out, I never really met or even saw another person like me. So, I went to the first meeting, but it was a bit awkward. I stumbled a lot while presenting myself and talking. I ended up just sitting there. I experience this frequently; it is called being situationally mute. In certain environments, I simply cannot talk, like in class, even if I know the answer to teachers’ questions, most of the time I go numb and can’t get a word out. I was way too nervous, even though they said there was no pressure for me to talk in the meetings. I went to another two meetings, and the same happened. It was nice to attend, but I ultimately realized that I was different from everyone there regarding the way I express my transness. I’ve always identified as highly feminine, and ...

So this one is unusual, but hopeful, and happy. So during my depression time, December (Kislev), I began seeing this nine-branched candelabra everywhere, and wondered what it meant, though I knew it was a Jewish thing and related to Chanukah. Wednesday of the second week, before my Anatomy Sketching test I heard someone refer to it as a Menorah, though I actually didn’t understand the exact word. So I went on Wikipedia to the Chanukah page and there I learned about Menorahs and later Chanukah, I read both pages entirely in hyperfocus before my teacher arrived. But I didn’t go any further into more research. I also came to realize that many people around me were Jewish, I remember we didn’t have class on Rosh Hashanah earlier in the year. One of my favorite childhood books is “When Hitler Stole the Pink Rabbit” which is about a Jewish family escaping to the UK. And I have also been very interested in the war between Israel and Hamas. And I became more interested to learn more about Juda...

I felt at my worst two weeks before the end of my first semester of college, I cried out of nowhere, waking up was harder than usual, and I didn’t feel any motivation to do the things I love the most. Those last two weeks were final projects submissions and my performance was impacted. I handed a couple of works late, which made me feel terrible since I had not done such a thing for a long time. For my design projects I couldn’t find motivation, I spent hours trying to draw my iron design a certain way and couldn’t work it out. I had to move forward with a shape I didn’t like if I wanted to finish. I had to pull many all-nighters but failed to stay up sometimes, which led to late submissions. I didn’t sleep from Monday to Tuesday of the second week, and somehow I felt energetic all throughout, which is unusual. By the end of the day, just as I got in the elevator I nearly collapsed, like the phantom energy that I had was suddenly taken away. It was extremely draining and unhealthy. It’...

Ever since I learned I’m autistic, I have made efforts to improve my experiences. These efforts included buying a pair of earplugs—they work great! The thing about sensory overstimulation is that it degrades your mood over time. I would get through the day before buying the earplugs, but I would feel incredibly tired and irritated afterward, with no explanation as to why. Now I know that being in a noisy environment causes this reaction, and now I avoid such environments to prevent feeling down after. It works great, I feel like I have more energy. It’s like avoiding feeling overwhelmed and sad before so that afterward, I can feel happy and energetic. (Ok, I wrote the above in November last year and didn’t finish it. Long story short, The last months of last semester were absolutely terrible.) I don’t know what the problem is with my mom and my autism. For a very long time, I thought she wouldn’t accept it outright, even though I’m formally diagnosed. Then I think she finally accepted ...