Judaism

So this one is unusual, but hopeful, and happy.

So during my depression time, December (Kislev), I began seeing this nine-branched candelabra everywhere, and wondered what it meant, though I knew it was a Jewish thing and related to Chanukah. Wednesday of the second week, before my Anatomy Sketching test I heard someone refer to it as a Menorah, though I actually didn’t understand the exact word. So I went on Wikipedia to the Chanukah page and there I learned about Menorahs and later Chanukah, I read both pages entirely in hyperfocus before my teacher arrived. But I didn’t go any further into more research.

I also came to realize that many people around me were Jewish, I remember we didn’t have class on Rosh Hashanah earlier in the year. One of my favorite childhood books is “When Hitler Stole the Pink Rabbit” which is about a Jewish family escaping to the UK. And I have also been very interested in the war between Israel and Hamas. And I became more interested to learn more about Judaism and Jews.

Later when I was in Mexico, on New Year’s Eve I had some kind of impulse which I can only describe as coming out of nowhere. I went to the Judaism article on Wikipedia and read it. In a citation, I saw a website called JewFAQ so I went on it too. And then I had the most intense hyperfocus session in a long time; I lost track of time and spent hours reading and learning about Jewish life. I learned about the Tanakh, Divided into the Torah, Nevi’im, and Ketuvim. I learned about Halakhah and the 613 Mitzvot, about Kashrut and Kosher/treif foods, the holidays, Shabbat, the calendar, and even Hebrew. I also began reading the Torah.

I really don’t know from where all this motivation to learn comes from while I couldn’t even enjoy things like flag trivia or playing Geoguessr, things that would make me very happy before.

And so, the way that I see it is that G-d, through my autisticness is driving me away from bad feelings. And yes, my self-harm thoughts have stopped, and I feel much better now. And I say through my autism because G-d made me that way, and it of course was no mistake. And it is my autism and hyperfocus and hyperfixation that have distracted me from negative feelings. And I am very thankful for that.

Also, within Judaism, or at least certain branches, I am accepted as a trans woman. I even found a Tefillat with Brachot for trans people, it includes blessings for when you feel gender euphoria of dysphoria, for when making a trans friend, and even for before taking your estrogen, the last of which I have been reciting for the last three days. No one ever told me that religion could be inclusive of people like me, trans.

Jewish people are very inclusive and accepting of someone like me who is trans. And the community is very tight-knit and wholesome!

I am feeling a lot better now, I log my daily mood on my phone and there is clearly a difference now. I feel very thankful for having found a new connection with G-d. And so I want to convert to Judaism. I feel a push from within, as if I had found home after a long time.

Where I live there are many Synagogues and Temples; I’m going to visit some of them to see which one I feel more comfortable in. At first I was thinking about Reform, but services are wildly different from what I have learned, so I think Conservative might be a good fit. There is a Jewish Center nearby, which is conservative, and the building is beautiful. They offer Hebrew classes and Torah Study classes too. So to start the process I need to talk to the Rabbi there about conversion and see if they would be interested in guiding me.

A very cool thing that happened after reciting the Bracha for estrogen is that the next day, I was lying on my bed with my arm resting on my chest. I suddenly moved it and felt my left boob being a bigger size than usual. This happens every now and then. Even though I look at my body every single day, the changes are not noticeable right away, the realization just hits me like a truck one day. And it feels awesome, full of gender euphoria. Old me might have not thought much of it. But now with my newly acquired knowledge, I feel very thankful that I am able to transition. G-d helps me with that, and reciting the blessing the day before was my first time thanking for the blessing that is being able to change your body to bring me happiness.

So after feeling euphoria, I then recited the other Bracha, for when you feel gender euphoria. Since I am still learning Hebrew, reciting blessings has felt like reading something with no meaning, although clearly, that is not the case. But this time, I felt a connection, I felt listened. And I began to cry, but now out of happiness.

Learning about Judaism has brought me so much happiness with this inexplicable motivation, so for now, I will keep learning as much as I can.