Naoko’s Trans Log

 I named this blog Trans Log to use it as my personal diary regarding my gender transition. Since I wanted to release a public version of this 'diary' eventually, I never went into more personal details regarding my transition. Even more, as time went by I began writing about other topics; my mom and I moved to the US, and that was a whole process; I went back to school in person, I discovered I'm autistic, I began college, and lastly, I'm now converting to Judaism. It began to feel like the name had no meaning anymore, however, I recently realized that all of these topics are transitions, thus making the title acquire a whole new meaning. The process of moving to the US, intertwined with my legal name change, packing, saying goodbye, a new language, and culture shock; was all a massive transition, that I'm glad I documented. That first big post about moving encouraged me to write about other happenings in my life and record so I don't forget. Going back to scho...

  Chag Sameach! Well, Shavuot happened a few days ago. (Weeks ago...) Gatherings at the temple were my first Jewish experiences coming back from our trip, and I was eager for them. I checked the temple's website and discovered there would be a prayer service on the first night of Shavuot, after which the congregation would split into study sessions, meet for cheesecake, and one last study session. I was somewhat nervous about it; people from other congregations would join ours, and I had never had cheesecake before, and it would be my first scripture study in person! It seemed like a lot, but I had been away from the Jewish community for so long, because of school, and then I got sick, and then we left on a trip. So I made the decision to go, I tapped the 'Register' button dramatically hard and wrote down my info. I sat in the sanctuary at my usual place for Shabbat, everyone greeted each other 'Chag Sameach' instead of 'Shabbat Shalom,' and we followed the ...

In the final weeks of Fall 2023, I fell into a terrible depression, I could not bring myself out of bed, not even for my favorite activities, my mind was constantly blasted with long dormant flashes of self-harm, and I cried, desperately asking why I couldn't feel better. However, after discovering Judaism I gained an unexplainable drive to learn about it, even though finding motivation to do just about anything felt impossible. I spent hours hyper-focused on reading about the Torah, beliefs, and practices and remained distracted from those terrible self-harm thoughts. As time went by, such thoughts subsided; I went back to school with a newly found enthusiasm; having decided to convert to Judaism, I felt capable of making new connections, and I was ready to continue making impactful sketches that would impress my teachers. For a while, everything went well, I was regularly hanging out with my friends from Hillel, and in class, I was frequently commended for my attention to detail ...