Still Sad?

In the final weeks of Fall 2023, I fell into a terrible depression, I could not bring myself out of bed, not even for my favorite activities, my mind was constantly blasted with long dormant flashes of self-harm, and I cried, desperately asking why I couldn't feel better. However, after discovering Judaism I gained an unexplainable drive to learn about it, even though finding motivation to do just about anything felt impossible. I spent hours hyper-focused on reading about the Torah, beliefs, and practices and remained distracted from those terrible self-harm thoughts.

As time went by, such thoughts subsided; I went back to school with a newly found enthusiasm; having decided to convert to Judaism, I felt capable of making new connections, and I was ready to continue making impactful sketches that would impress my teachers.

For a while, everything went well, I was regularly hanging out with my friends from Hillel, and in class, I was frequently commended for my attention to detail and great line weight in my sketching. But at some point, things began sliding back. Our courseload suddenly increased and I had to stay up all night frequently to do my assignments, but sometimes I just couldn't, and handing in things late made me feel really bad. This rhythm remained constant until the end of the semester and I tried my very best, but sometimes I was not able to make it.

At home, I had begun to introduce Jewish practices into my routine, but I had yet to go to a synagogue and talk with the rabbi to officially start the conversion process. I knew I would have to tell my mom about my intention to convert, so I could go out without making dumb excuses. And I did, and her response was somewhat mixed, accepting, but then not, and talked with that hostile tone she does without thinking. I became scared to mention anything related to Judaism, and communication between us became shut. I cannot discuss the topic with her and it makes me hesitant to recite blessings for my food when she's around, and leaving the house for Shabbat service gets scary.

I finished the semester barely sleeping but I did it, and with amazing grades, I even made it to the Dean's List. And recently, my mom has become slightly more open to talking about my conversion, she even accompanied me to a Shabbat service, that's a massive step in the right direction, Baruch Hashem!

And yet, those self-harming thoughts still linger, it is still difficult to stand up each morning, or noon if I'm being honest. Why? It's clear I'm having trouble getting past this on my own, and like I did in December, I'm open to therapy, but it's so expensive plus it did nothing other than overdraft my bank account last time.

Last week while walking in the park my mom began discussing what she calls my 'laziness.' This time I decided to just say it, I have not been doing well for the last half a year, and I need help. She switched to that hurtful tone and basically told me that I'm on my own. I don't know what I was expecting, last time I told her about my suicidal thoughts she just encouraged them. It is terrifying and dangerous that my own mother was telling me to just do it. Perhaps she thought I was not capable of doing it, but it could have gone both ways. But it's true, I found evidence that since I was 10 years old I've had these thoughts, but I have never harmed myself, because that's not really what I want. A mitzvah from the Torah has been keeping those thoughts away, When I get a flash I just tell myself to 'choose life,' and the negative thoughts go away. I just know that if my mom and I could just talk about everything, things would improve. But communication doesn't really exist between us. I can only ask Hashem to keep me hopeful.

So, since the semester ended I was stripped of a familiar routine and now I struggle to do much of anything, so I've been working on an all-encompassing routine for the rest of the summer that will get me out of bed at a good time and to go outside for walks and exercise. I know that will help.