Autism

 I think this is going to be a long one.

 Okay, so, a few weeks ago I watched a video by one of my favorite science creators, Kyle Hill. In it, he said he's autistic, he explained his pre-diagnosis situation. I started counting with my fingers the similar traits I spotted in me. I eventually ran out of fingers. I counted a total of twelve things, like social isolation, anxiety, noise sensitivity, obsession with a certain topic (hence, why I watch him,) and fascination with dates and facts.

 Up until watching that video, I had a wrong perception of autism. I thought it was a very limiting disability. But I had known Kyle for some time, and I could see that this clearly wasn’t the case.
I let the video finish, and that was it. But now those 12 traits were clearly in my mind, and with a possible explanation as to why I have them.

I went online looking for screening tests. I answered one, after another, and another. When seeing the results, many returned a high possibility of ASD.

• Aspie: Broader autism cluster and neurotypical traits.

• AQ: 43 | Threshold: 26 | Max: 50

• ASSQ: 49 | Threshold: 13 | Max: 54

• RBQ-2A: 42 | Threshold: 26 | Max: 60

• EQ: 23 | Threshold: <30 | Min: 0

• AQ-10: 8 | Threshold: 6 | Max: 10

• CAT-Q:

• Total: 129 | Threshold: 100 | Autism Average: 126

• Compensation: 46 | Average: 42

• Masking: 36 | Average: 38

• Assimilation: 47 | Average: 45

• RAADS-R:

• Total: 170 | Threshold: 65 | Suspected Autistic Females Average: 145

• Language: 16 | Threshold: 4 | Average: 11

• Social Relatedness: 76 | Threshold: 31 | Average: 67

• Sensory/Motor: 46 | Threshold: 16 | Average: 39

• Circumscribed Interests: 32 | Threshold: 15 | Average: 28

• LSAS: 109 - Severe social anxiety | >95

Yeah. I know this is not an actual assessment, but well, there it is.

I think that if I wasn’t autistic, I would not be where I am right now. It has given me those superpowers that allow me to get interested in many particular things. So I think it’s made me always eager to learn. It allows me to focus on something that I really want, or need to do. It allows me to perceive tiny noises, patterns, and details, that no one seems to care about. However, it also means that I struggle a lot in social situations, I isolate myself, and I’d rather not meet, or talk to anyone if I had the chance. I currently don’t have any friends, and even though I feel impulses to come up to someone or help them with something, I never do. My mom and family frequently tell me that I don’t express much care for them, even when I feel I do. I am still discovering traits now that I know that my world is indeed different from everyone else’s. But being autistic has certainly helped me, and I wouldn’t want to be any different.

Now I know why I act so awkwardly, and so I feel I can take action to help ameliorate it.
I’ve also learned about masking. I do try to mimic what other people do, from how they dress to how they walk, and things they say. But I feel it just makes me look clumsier. I learned of the negative effects masking can cause. So I’m trying to just be me, like gender-transition-apart me. I notice that my heartbeat is not as fast, and I feel happier.

I don’t quite know how to tell my mom though. I know she has that wrong perception of autism. And I’m afraid she will not take me seriously. This feels really similar to when I came out to her as trans. I’ve thought about paying for a diagnostic assessment by myself and then tell her when I have the results. Also to know if I’m indeed autistic, or if I have other conditions.

But I really need to tell her. Yesterday she got mad at me and shouted “how hard can it be to wash the dishes!” I just stayed quiet and didn’t talk to her until later. I wanted to tell her that it may not be difficult for her, but for me it is!

I, for some reason, need to organize all the dishes in the sink before starting, and I scrub each a lot (she relentlessly doesn’t want to use the dishwasher.) Then I feel the urge to line them up on the drying mat. Pans on the back, glasses to the left, plates to the right, cutlery at the bottom. Then I dry them by hand and the same, I order them on the counter to later put them away. I take over an hour doing it every day. It’s exhausting, takes so long, and I don’t feel like doing anything after. It’s so weird, but I cannot avoid it, my brain just works that way.

I want her to understand why I behave that way. I want to have a relationship with my mum that’s not based on weird noises that I make, and short phrases of something serious I feel like sharing, and not spill my guts out explaining the YouTube video I watched the night before. But I’m thinking it will be difficult.

And well, it’s hard for me to imagine what will come in the long term, I guess work towards demonstrating my worth. I certainly have to put a lot of effort into that, but it is reassuring that I’m actually succeeding. A couple minutes ago, I handed in my last English assignment, my teacher told me I was the first to finish every assignment for the first and second semesters, in a class size of 500. I am very proud of that!