Regret

Well, it didn’t go well.

I made a letter with what I wrote in the last post. I sent it to her, but she didn’t see it. So I erased the messages and waited.

Yesterday I went down to walk the dog, and I sent her the letter from there. It definitely wasn’t the best moment, but I needed to tell her.

When I went back, my mum was upset, she told me to go to her room. And so I did. She told me what I thought would happen. She said that I was just looking for whatever as an excuse, that I thought about it because someone had pushed the idea into me.

She said something about winning the lottery with me, I think she referred to my gender dysphoria and now autism. I started crying and told her I didn’t want to talk anymore. I went to my room and kept crying.

Today in the morning she seemed to have calmed down, but she was still mad. Later in the car, she started talking to me by saying that she didn’t want me serious all the time because of what happened last night. She then started saying that she didn’t think it was right for me to self-diagnose as autistic. I only said in the letter that I had taken some screening tests.

But I do consider myself autistic, suspected, I mean, exactly that, self-diagnosed. I still need a formal assessment, one that I do want, but that many autistic people decide not to get, and live just like that, self-diagnosed because they can improve their lives simply by knowing they might be autistic.

But anyway, my mom started talking about her also not being able to talk to people. She then went on for five minutes almost shouting about someone lower rank that her getting a salary increase, because he had friends and talked to people more.

I told her I didn’t want to talk anymore, but she didn’t want to. We had an argument. I ended up getting out of the car before reaching school as she shouted at me the usual threat of: things are gonna change from now on (negatively.)

And well, now I don’t know what to do. We need to talk, but it just doesn’t work. She either gets mad or I don’t feel comfortable.

Let's see what happens…