Naoko’s Trans Log

 I was just out on the patio, talking to my grandma’s dog in English like I used to do—maybe just talking alone, or to myself—and I couldn’t help but notice that words weren’t coming out of me the way it used to be. I would talk alone for hours, getting absolutely lost in believing that behind the camera floating around me were people who loved watching me going about my day. I livestreamed 24/7 to an audience of some 200 people, the camera automatically pivoted to whatever I wanted to share, and when it pointed at me, I would smile at it, gesture, and talk to it as if I were talking to a real person. I can only imagine myself talking to the wall… That hallucination formed part of my daily life for years, and I loved it. I felt I was famous and felt happy for having people who wanted to watch me. My imagined audience kept me company when I was most lonely, and I made them laugh and have a good time. The last time I remember talking to my audience vividly was on my way to the hospit...

 Yeah, I feel weird, religiously; I decided to put on hold my conversion to Judaism since my mental health began declining, I stopped going to temple, visiting my Rabbi, reciting Shema, and lighting Shabbat candles. As a Ger, someone who is currently converting, I felt comfortable wearing my Magen David and reciting blessings, but now, I don’t feel it’s correct for me to wear my necklace, so I haven’t. I’m in Mexico right now, I can’t believe it’s been a year since I was first feeling depressed but found hope in Judaism. I’m sitting right here where I felt that massive push out of nowhere to learn about Judaism, and since then I have done so many things that were unthinkable to me before. One thing I never stopped doing was attending Hillel events. Joining Hillel and attending all the events were some of the bravest things I’ve ever done, being terrified by paranoia outdoors, it took me a while to go and explore what I could do at school. I have met great people at Hillel, like my ...

  I feel weird, I wouldn’t know how to describe it, I just feel almost emotionless, sad, and discouraged. I have slowly been catching up with assignments, that is my main stressor, but there is still a lot I have to get done, and there are about three weeks left before winter break. Sketching and ideating have been hard, like I felt before the hospital, I feel my creativity is just gone, and I hate it. You can really see it in my last post, it is very fragmented and it doesn’t resemble my writing style at all, it is also really short. I have moments when I feel great, I would even say happy, optimistic, and that usually lasts a couple of days. There’s also days that I feel totally discouraged, I cry, and feel very sad. What’s in between is just nothing, emotionless, I guess. This last weekend I heard the voice for the first time after being in the hospital. I was in the kitchen, cooking, and the voice began narrating every single action I did. It went something like this: “She is o...

 It was only until my last day in the hospital that I learned that my mood disorder is Major Depressive Disorder, severe, with Psychotic Features. I don’t know why they didn’t tell me before. It makes a lot of sense, the severe depression made the psychosis possible. Immediately after being discharged I had an argument with mom, she drove me home in silence and dropped me off at the entrance without exchanging words. I looked in my things for my key and went in. I lay on the couch for a few hours, trying to rest and process all that I missed. My mom got mad at me because I had promised to shower and organize my stuff from the hospital, and I could not do it that day. I decided that going to the October 7th memorial would be too much for me, I felt unclean and didn’t have the energy to go to a social event that big, so I slept for the rest of the day. The next day I went to school, it was a Tuesday, Digital Sketching; it’s the class with the most overdue assignments. But it was exci...

 This post was written in a notebook I was given while hospitalized over seven days. [Oct 3, 9:50 am] So, I was hospitalized. I figured I could write a blog post from here, on paper, and later transcribe it. It was one of the scariest things I’ve done, but it was very much necessary. I couldn’t handle my emotions anymore, I was crying frequently, spent the day in bed, couldn’t do my homework, and began feeling unsafe after the voice in my head finally managed to influence my actions, and I began doing very reckless things. My suicidal ideations became stronger, and combined with my declining will live, I just didn’t feel safe at all. I decided I should admit myself to a psych ward where I would be taken care of and get help. I was going to come on Saturday after my first breakdown, but I just couldn’t do it. I never told my mom about my symptoms or about using the 988 chat. I got through the weekend mostly sleeping on my bed and lying on the floor. At night, when I got some mysteri...

  I can't anymore. I feel extreme sadness and have zero motivation and zero creativity. I can't get my assignments done, and even if I really try I feel that my sketching skills are just gone. I cry frequently on a daily basis, I have frequent suicidal thoughts. I stopped being able to stay on top of my assignments, I have so many things piled up. I spend the day lying down in bed, if I must do something I will return exhausted to bed; after school, I just feel like lying on the floor. Paranoid thoughts make being outside terrifying. I reached out for help, which is one week away, but I don't think I'll make it to those appointments. Yesterday I had a big emotional breakdown as I was debating checking myself into a psychiatric hospital. Feeling overwhelmed, I decided to contact 988 through chat. I identified symptoms of schizophrenia about one month back, with the first instance happening two months ago. I first began hearing noises, which soon turned into voices tellin...

 It’s been terrible the last couple of weeks… I feel worse than I did last December, terribly sad, lonely, hopeless. My suicidal ideations still occur, frequently. I feel drained, tired; at school this third semester I’m beginning to struggle with motivation and lack of creativity that I know once was there. The courseload is much greater than any of my past semesters—I think the trend line is clear at this point. I’m not sleeping enough, I’m missing assignments, and I feel like breaking into tears more than half the time. I began feeling better during the first months of the year when I started attending events, going places, and ‘meeting people.’ Despite those out-of-character efforts, I still failed to connect with anyone. As I began writing another post—still unpublished—I began writing about my social experiences. I really struggle with making friends, I don’t know what makes it so difficult. I feel overwhelmed with fear, it forces me to stare at the ground, make zero eye cont...

I was 15 years old when I learned about HRT as I was discovering I might be trans. I immediately knew I had to get it as fast as possible, I could not stand seeing my body transform into a gender I know I am not every day that goes by, I thought, hormonal treatment would put an end to that, it would even correctly shape my body, as a woman. HRT is most certainly a privilege; some states and even entire countries have banned it, and some people cannot have it for health concerns, not to mention how expensive it is. Thankfully, I had amazing support from my mom who helped me find a doctor who could oversee the treatment and write an Rx, my mom would buy me a box of both Estradiol and Spironolactone every month, and when we moved to the US, she bought me a stockpile to have while we found a doctor here. As time went by, I became the person I should have always been, both inside and out, I really cannot express how grateful I am! Everything went just fine having found a doctor who could ov...

 I named this blog Trans Log to use it as my personal diary regarding my gender transition. Since I wanted to release a public version of this 'diary' eventually, I never went into more personal details regarding my transition. Even more, as time went by I began writing about other topics; my mom and I moved to the US, and that was a whole process; I went back to school in person, I discovered I'm autistic, I began college, and lastly, I'm now converting to Judaism. It began to feel like the name had no meaning anymore, however, I recently realized that all of these topics are transitions, thus making the title acquire a whole new meaning. The process of moving to the US, intertwined with my legal name change, packing, saying goodbye, a new language, and culture shock; was all a massive transition, that I'm glad I documented. That first big post about moving encouraged me to write about other happenings in my life and record so I don't forget. Going back to scho...

  Chag Sameach! Well, Shavuot happened a few days ago. (Weeks ago...) Gatherings at the temple were my first Jewish experiences coming back from our trip, and I was eager for them. I checked the temple's website and discovered there would be a prayer service on the first night of Shavuot, after which the congregation would split into study sessions, meet for cheesecake, and one last study session. I was somewhat nervous about it; people from other congregations would join ours, and I had never had cheesecake before, and it would be my first scripture study in person! It seemed like a lot, but I had been away from the Jewish community for so long, because of school, and then I got sick, and then we left on a trip. So I made the decision to go, I tapped the 'Register' button dramatically hard and wrote down my info. I sat in the sanctuary at my usual place for Shabbat, everyone greeted each other 'Chag Sameach' instead of 'Shabbat Shalom,' and we followed the ...

In the final weeks of Fall 2023, I fell into a terrible depression, I could not bring myself out of bed, not even for my favorite activities, my mind was constantly blasted with long dormant flashes of self-harm, and I cried, desperately asking why I couldn't feel better. However, after discovering Judaism I gained an unexplainable drive to learn about it, even though finding motivation to do just about anything felt impossible. I spent hours hyper-focused on reading about the Torah, beliefs, and practices and remained distracted from those terrible self-harm thoughts. As time went by, such thoughts subsided; I went back to school with a newly found enthusiasm; having decided to convert to Judaism, I felt capable of making new connections, and I was ready to continue making impactful sketches that would impress my teachers. For a while, everything went well, I was regularly hanging out with my friends from Hillel, and in class, I was frequently commended for my attention to detail ...

 Having decided to convert to Judaism, I now had to talk to a rabbi to officially start the process. This got delayed for many reasons; I’ve been very busy with school, my mom was considering moving and I didn’t want to contact a Rabbi nearby only to later move to another congregation, and I had a hard time—as usual—writing the email that would start it all. My mom eventually realized that there would not be any benefits in moving so she renewed our lease for two more years. With that safety, I then decided what my temple would be; I had attended many online Shabbat services from there, and I liked the welcoming environment. To attend Shabbat, I could just have filled out their in-person registration form, however, I thought talking with the Rabbi first would be a better idea. So after months of having the email on the back burner, I finally managed to put it together. I learned that Rabbis are encouraged to make three vigorous attempts to dissuade a potential convert to filter out...